Am I worth it?

She tells me its not if I am worth it or if she loves me enough but at the same time I can never get passed that road block. She says I choose not to find any other which is mainly right but with my confidence shot without her wanting me it's hard to think any girl would want me. I mean how could anyone want me? Every girl as left me, they all leave me every single one of them has. I hate saying goodbye to them so I dont. But it hurts to know I was rejected even if I didnt care about any of the relationships. The one I did care about was with her and she killed my confidence. I just wish she saw how brittle and jagged I am without her in my life as my girl because it tears me apart. The guy she is with is a total tool. The one time I spoke with him he was very hostile and aggressive and has been that way with her many times. She deserves better then him by far... hell in reality all girl deserve better then him. He's just an asshole I mean really what kind of guy says if dont stop talking to him I will break up with you? I mean really? It doesnt matter what was said or what was done I would never walk out on her. I never wanted to either even when those 4 months passed I tried to figure out any way I could get on to tell her what actualy happened. I never told her this nor anyone but I walked to walmart one day and stole a phone card hoping that it would work. I have only stolen 3 things in my entire life and that was one of the three things. I was going to call her that night and tell her what had happened I had it all planned out of what I was going to say and I was going to beg her to not leave me. The card obviously did not work as it needed to be scanned to work correctly. I never told her because I just couldn't. When I got back on finally my brain was too happy to see her I forgot what I was going to say. I forgot what I was going to do. I wanted to just be with her and love her and I didn't realize how important the reason I had left was, I just hoped that me being back was enough. But I wasn't enough back then, she wanted the truth and I choked and told her a lie. I wish she would have call me on my lie and said "Tell me the truth or I will leave you" so that I would have known I still stood a chance. I wish I didn't blow up and let my rage out on her that time. I love her dearly and I wish she saw all the things I have done for her through out my entire life just to try to be with her. I used to wait until Heather was asleep and get online to talk with her. I used to walk to get phone cards for her. I used to write her love poems that I would have sent if I had ever had the balls to ask her for her address. Unfortantely in the cleaning of Heathers junk with Brandy the notes were found and I said they were things I wrote for Heather. They were tossed or else I would have already asked for her address and sent them to her. I have done so much for her that I just cant get the balls to say cause every time we talk I choke up on how much she means to me and cant just say "I did this this and this and never told you about it" She worries that she was just another girl. I never sat around and waited for anyone like her. I never stayed up well passed when I was tired for anyone but her. I did things by my clock with my exs and if they werent ready or werent tired, too bad because I was. With Drea it was.. I can wait cause shes so fucking worth the wait. I wish she could step back and see how I felt about her or how I looked at her. She would be shocked to know that she's the ONLY girl I have ever stayed up so late for that I didnt sleep at all that day just to talk to her. She would probably be shocked to hear that I prefer to stay up late at nights laying in bed and wishing she was on the phone.She would never know just how hurt I was when she messaged me and said she was with someone 4 years ago. I was crushed, sure I was married but shes the one girl who I would have left ANYONE for. Even a rich chick who showered me with gifts and women I would leave for her in a heartbeat. My soul aches for her and I just wish I was worth the chance to her.

Girls

For as long as I remember I have had many girls come and go in my life. This blog is to state the reasons why they were special and the reasons why it didnt work out. Due to accident I am only starting at age 15 as I do not remember any details about girls prior.

Age 15- Nicole... nicole was a smart girl probably one of the smartest I have ever been with, she was my girl before the accident, she was amazing in bed she was funny she was smart as I said. She was the rock for me when I was younger she helped me pick things back up that I had forgotten in the accident. But there was a major flaw with her, the relationship wasnt stable at all. We came and went as we pleased and had no real schedule to anything. It was always just "See you when I see you" in a relationship I need a foundation. I need someone to tell me I will see you tomorrow or in a couple hours or whatever I need to know that I have something to look forward to.


Age 16- Sarah.... Sarah was the first girl I meet online and we clicked pretty well, we talked about meeting one day and even had hoped to do it that same year. I had lied at the beginning of the relationship and said I was 18 as she was 18. When I finally told her the truth she forgave me but at the same time the trust was lost. Eventually she left to go back to her old boyfriend and last I heard moved in with him and was happy. She made me happy while we were together I felt like I mattered to someone and it felt so good but I know now I used her for that feeling. She was just really good online sex and an emotional boost. She was my first real puppy love tho. No real love but that I need you because I dont know what life without you is like type of love.

Age 16- Debra... Debra was another girl I meet online and we clicked pretty well also but she was more aimed at sexual frustration relieve then Sarah was. She used to tell me things that I hold dear to me now like "Its not making love to anyone its making love with them" She was right.  One day after some cyber I thanked her for it... she said "I do that because I want to not because I am doing you a favor" She was also right, but things like that made her eventually stop logging on and the relationship faded away.

Age 17- Amy... Amy was a smart girl she did well in school but she did have her dumb moments. She was more a play toy then anything else... no sex in the relationship at all so by play toy I mean she was there for my loneliness only. She was a virgin and saving herself for marriage. Which was fine sex wasn't a big deal at this time. I was more interested in her friend anyway Rachael. I had the biggest crush on Rachael. Amy and I got hot and heavy one day and almost had sex but something made her stop. The next day she dumped me. She dumped me in front of Rachael which killed my chances with her.

Age 17- Crystal... Amy's best friend... this relationship was more about hurting Amy by treating Crystal really well. Her pussy was horrible even though she was a "virgin" but she gave really good oral which kept me around as long as I stayed. I started wrestling while with her and when she dumped me before a practice I never went back as she had joined the same wrestling team.

Age 18- I forget her name forgive me- At the end of the relationship with Crystal I started talking to her friend. She was a cute girl and we dated very briefly. I was accused of having phone sex with Crystal and yelled at for it. In true me style if I am to be blamed for something Im going to do it so that I have a reason to say sorry. After me and Crystal had phone sex while she was at my current girlfriends house while my gf was sleeping my girl figured out that it happened and dumped me. I did not really care as there were no feelings in the relationship obviously as I have forgotten her name.

Age 18- Andrea aka Drea.... The love of my life... The one that got away... My first Love... My only Love... Drea was a fucking rock star as a girlfriend. The relationship was founded on sex and strived on it but we both knew how the other felt. We were in love. I gave her my heart and soul without telling her I did. I lied to her about having sex with other girls cause she wanted me to. I only wanted to be with her. I lived slept ate and breathed for her and only her. We never could just say how much we care and it probably was because we just knew. We used to talk for hours upon hours on the phone. I loved her in ways I cant even describe and may never find the words. One day my car got totaled. As a result I lost my job. Without an income to buy phone cards or pay for internet I disappeared on her. Four months passed by and finally I got back online and tried to get my princess back. She had started to move on. I thought it was game over and I had already lost her. If I had only known that I had a chance to get back with her I would have done anything for her. I lied to her to loose her and she walked away from me. I flipped out and some bad things occurred between us but I still loved her all the same and still do.

Age 22- Amanda..... This was short lived but sweet at best... This was my get over Drea relationship and it lasted no time at all. Amanda was at Job Corps with me and we sort of just got involved cause there were no other real options for us both. She wanted kids badly and well I didnt mind the idea so I was on board. Amanda was a nice girl but had been screwed over in so many relationships that she tested me left and right. I failed most of the tests. And eventually it ended after me and Heather took on a relationship.

Age 22- Heather..... Heather was a good friend at job corps and was strongly attracted to me sexually. Her and Amanda were room mates and even friends. As me and Heather become more and more involved Amanda backed out of the friendship with Heather and started to call me a pedophile. It hurt but it drove the nail in the coffin for that relationship with Amanda. Heather and I started getting physical. First was in a hotel room then we started getting it on all over campus. After awhile I left Job Corps but we still talked. Her birthday came along and her grandmother who was her legal guardian for school rights let her come visit me. During the visit Heather was able to convince her Grandmother into letting her stay permanently. I already had a job and she found one shortly and when we werent working we were humping all the time. Sex was pretty much the only thing we did together. Eventually she started getting sick. One of her coworkers told her to get a pregnancy test and it showed that she was pregnant. I have always wanted a child ever since I was little so when she was crying in fear I was happy. She was crying mainly because it would ruin her "perfect" body. Should have been a red flag right there but I didnt notice it. 6 months into the relationship and she was knocked up. We told my mom who said we needed to get married... big mistake... we told her family we wanted to get married but left off the whole prego part. They forced us to get married in mississipi. We fought the entire way down there and even the day of our wedding. We couldnt even look at each other for very long as we were being married. After the party we drove back to her grandparents house fighting the entire way as well. We hide the fighting as best we could at that point. Eventually Misti was to come out. I was woken at 3 am knowing I had to work that day. I called out and drove her to the hospital quickly. At 9 pm Misti was born and all the fighting seemed worth it. Misti was a cute baby and generally I dont say that about many babys normally they are ugly. I got all the paper work in order Name and watched her get weighted and all that jazz until they said they were going to clean her up and blood test her or something like that. I told Heather and went outside and smoked a cigarette. It dawned on me sitting on that bench what had just taken place and that I was a father. I always figured that I would have felt it in the delivery room but with the tension of birth it almost felt like a dream. We stayed one week in that hospital... me sneaking in Mcdonalds for her cause she wasnt supposed to have any. Misti had jaundice so she was being held. The day we were to be released they were talking about keeping Misti. At that moment was probably the best moment me and Heather ever had. We both looked at each other and said "Were not leaving here with out our baby" That moment and Misti is why I stayed around so long. She got very possessive and controlling and found buttons that I didnt know existed. The fighting only got worse and worse and worse. She used to call me names like "faggot" and "useless" and many others. Eventually things calmed down a little and the fighting was only here and there. I then started working out of town and was gone 6 days a week. When I would get home she would be all lovey to me and then right before I would leave become a total jerk about everything. We stopped having sex completely for awhile and I was sure she was cheating but at same time she was begging me for sex. Eventually she went on a vacation and never returned. I sent her a thousand dollars to get the divorce done and a couple weeks later she was asking for 600 to get the divorce. I refused and have not given her a dime since. I gave her more then enough to get a divorce as well as was paying child support at first. I havent really spoken to her much in the last 2 years at all.

Age 28- Brandy....I meet Brandy online on a pictionary type game. We started talking more and more and got along great. She was dating a girl and living with a guy who she pretended to be with as a fiancee who used that relationship to help his career. As we got more and more into an actual relationship after her girlfriend and her split the other guy started making actual passes at her and it bothered me cause she was supposed to be in a relationship with me. Eventually she moved back to her moms and lived there for awhile and I regret even saying that her living with him bothered me as I feel like I destroyed her life in some respects. Eventually she moved down to be with me from Chicago. We had a fast paced relationship and we were best friends for a long time. Eventually she dumped me and we remained friends but she has been distant to some regards ever since.