Am I worth it?

She tells me its not if I am worth it or if she loves me enough but at the same time I can never get passed that road block. She says I choose not to find any other which is mainly right but with my confidence shot without her wanting me it's hard to think any girl would want me. I mean how could anyone want me? Every girl as left me, they all leave me every single one of them has. I hate saying goodbye to them so I dont. But it hurts to know I was rejected even if I didnt care about any of the relationships. The one I did care about was with her and she killed my confidence. I just wish she saw how brittle and jagged I am without her in my life as my girl because it tears me apart. The guy she is with is a total tool. The one time I spoke with him he was very hostile and aggressive and has been that way with her many times. She deserves better then him by far... hell in reality all girl deserve better then him. He's just an asshole I mean really what kind of guy says if dont stop talking to him I will break up with you? I mean really? It doesnt matter what was said or what was done I would never walk out on her. I never wanted to either even when those 4 months passed I tried to figure out any way I could get on to tell her what actualy happened. I never told her this nor anyone but I walked to walmart one day and stole a phone card hoping that it would work. I have only stolen 3 things in my entire life and that was one of the three things. I was going to call her that night and tell her what had happened I had it all planned out of what I was going to say and I was going to beg her to not leave me. The card obviously did not work as it needed to be scanned to work correctly. I never told her because I just couldn't. When I got back on finally my brain was too happy to see her I forgot what I was going to say. I forgot what I was going to do. I wanted to just be with her and love her and I didn't realize how important the reason I had left was, I just hoped that me being back was enough. But I wasn't enough back then, she wanted the truth and I choked and told her a lie. I wish she would have call me on my lie and said "Tell me the truth or I will leave you" so that I would have known I still stood a chance. I wish I didn't blow up and let my rage out on her that time. I love her dearly and I wish she saw all the things I have done for her through out my entire life just to try to be with her. I used to wait until Heather was asleep and get online to talk with her. I used to walk to get phone cards for her. I used to write her love poems that I would have sent if I had ever had the balls to ask her for her address. Unfortantely in the cleaning of Heathers junk with Brandy the notes were found and I said they were things I wrote for Heather. They were tossed or else I would have already asked for her address and sent them to her. I have done so much for her that I just cant get the balls to say cause every time we talk I choke up on how much she means to me and cant just say "I did this this and this and never told you about it" She worries that she was just another girl. I never sat around and waited for anyone like her. I never stayed up well passed when I was tired for anyone but her. I did things by my clock with my exs and if they werent ready or werent tired, too bad because I was. With Drea it was.. I can wait cause shes so fucking worth the wait. I wish she could step back and see how I felt about her or how I looked at her. She would be shocked to know that she's the ONLY girl I have ever stayed up so late for that I didnt sleep at all that day just to talk to her. She would probably be shocked to hear that I prefer to stay up late at nights laying in bed and wishing she was on the phone.She would never know just how hurt I was when she messaged me and said she was with someone 4 years ago. I was crushed, sure I was married but shes the one girl who I would have left ANYONE for. Even a rich chick who showered me with gifts and women I would leave for her in a heartbeat. My soul aches for her and I just wish I was worth the chance to her.